The true language of sex is primarily nonverbal. Our words and images can hardly express the deep feelings within and between us. There are very few words in the English language which feel appropriate for sex because they convey attitudes and values very unlike how we actually feel about sex. Clinical terms like vagina, penis and intercourse seem cold, distant, tight, slang terms like the curse words seem degrading, euphemisms like "making love" are vague. We always use different words with lovers, children, friends and doctors. Though sex is a natural way of expressing ourselves, we have no natural way of talking about it. There are many who are trying to put together a sexual language with which we all can be comfortable.

How to be straight to the Point and say what we really want ?
There are certain issues, which we all face in a sexual situation, whether it's with a date, long time lover or spouse:

• How do I feel at that moment ?
• Do I want to be sexually close with this person now ?
• If yes, then in what ways ?
• What if I don't know, can I say I am confused ?
• Can I communicate clearly what I want and what I don't want ?
• Do I feel comfortable saying it in words or letting him/her know some other way ?
• Are there any rules involved ?
• Is there enough trust and caring between us for this person to listen to my feelings and respect them if I feel differently from him/her ?

The most common question is whether or not to make love. When we want to ask someone to make love with us, we may have to overcome certain inhibitions, for we have been brought up to think that men and not women, should initiate sex. We have to get used to the possibility of being turned down. When we don't want to make love, we often face the assumption that "women don't really mean it when they say no."

Or someone interprets our not wanting sex as a sign of rejection or frigidity. The more complex truth lies somewhere between the extremes of "good girls don't initiate sex" and "liberated women always want it". Sometimes we love being coaxed into it, sometimes we hate feeling pressured. All we can do is try to be as fully aware as possible of our feelings at the moment, to be honest with ourselves about them and to practice saying them, with clarity and no apologies, to the men or women we are with.

Communication about our sexual needs is a continuous process. A woman who had found the courage to talk with her lover about their sexual relationship said in angry frustration, "I told him what I like once, so why doesn't he know now? Did he forget? Doesn't he care?" Even in the most loving relationships, asking for what we want is really tough.

We are afraid that being honest about what we want will threaten the other. Our partner seems defensive and might interpret our suggestion as a criticism or a demand. We feel sex is supposed to come naturally and having to talk about it must mean there is a problem. We have been making love with the same person for years and it feels risky to bring up new insights. Our partner and we aren't communicating well in other areas of our relationship. Even with a willing partner, we may as women feel a deep inhibition about asserting our sexuality openly and proudly, which is what we'd be doing if we proclaimed our erotic needs and wishes. We don't know what we want at a particular time, or we need to react to something our partner does. The barriers can be inside us, not just between our partners and us.

Making love is one of the special times when we have more than words to use to reach each other. Taking a partner's hand and putting it in a new place, making the sounds that let him/her know we are feeling good, speeding up or slowing down our hip movements, a firm hand on the shoulder meaning "let's go slow", there are many ways of communicating if we will use them.

      We can practice saying what feels good while exchanging messages, for example, when the atmosphere is less intense. But communicating about sex doesn't happen overnight, and it doesn't always work no matter how hard we might try.